Carry On
by x snow-pony x
Summary: Just wanted to get some thoughts out. Probably AU. Trigger warning for depression and suicide.


Some people romanticise mental illness, such as depression. It's always the pretty girl who never did anything wrong, who cries silent tears in the corner and puts on a smile for everyone else, her life tough but never letting it get to her.

Tracy wasn't pretty.

Not anymore.

A week of wanting to end it all had left her broken, still in bed at three in the afternoon, her hair needing a wash but her not having the energy to do so. She didn't even cry anymore, feeling empty inside.

No one could save her now.

She'd tried to talk to people but they hadn't taken her seriously. Some of them hadn't even listened properly. And those that had, they couldn't do anything about it.

She didn't even have enough in her to get the pills to make the pain go away.

Her stomach had stopped rumbling hours ago when it had realised it wasn't going to get any food. Her head hurt because she wasn't having enough to drink: she didn't have enough water with her and was scared to go downstairs to refill the bottle.

She didn't know what to do anymore.

She'd declined dinner, knowing she wouldn't be able to stomach it. Even if she could, it would take all her will just to eat it. And she really couldn't face them at the moment.

They who had made her life like this. They, who even when she tried her best, found all sorts of fault.

They'd locked her out on Tuesday. Deliberately.

She couldn't take it anymore. She felt anger towards them, but she couldn't stay angry for long. She was hurt. She was sick and tired, literally now. She barely had the energy to stand. That was the lack of food, but she couldn't go downstairs even if she wanted to now.

She'd sneak down and get something later, constantly listening out for someone coming her way.

They'd cut her internet too. She watched as her mobile data allowance ticked down and down, terrified for it to hit zero. Not because it would stop her doing what she wanted; it had done that already. But because if that hit zero, she wouldn't be able to contact her best friend.

The only one keeping her alive at the moment.

And, as much as she wanted it, she was too scared to ask for it back.

As the hours ticked on she lay there. By the end of the day she felt like crying, wondering why they hated her so much. She hadn't done anything to deserve this, had she?

If she had, she didn't know what.

Eventually she sighed, curling up and closing her eyes. She couldn't do this anymore, but she couldn't face ending it either. She wanted someone to end it for her, so she could end the pain without experiencing the pain of ending it herself.

It wasn't fair. She was being punished every day for things she hadn't done, for being upset.

What cruel people punish someone for being upset?

She didn't know.

She wanted a hug too. She didn't even care who from at this point, as long as it was someone who cared for her and wanted to take the pain away.

She hadn't had a hug like that in forever.

She sighed again, rolling over to try and get to sleep. She didn't want to go to sleep, and she definitely didn't want to face tomorrow, knowing it wouldn't be any easier, and could well be harder.

And that was just getting out of bed in the morning, though she knew it would more likely be afternoon.

She'd shouted at Gina the other day too, tears streaming down her face, telling her to lay off her when she'd complained about what she was doing. She'd told her when she'd got in what was going on and how bad she felt because Gina had asked how she was, but Gina hadn't seemed to care.

She'd been trying her best, but at the moment her best wasn't good enough for anyone.

She wasn't sure how long she could hold on anymore.

She was crying now, the thoughts overwhelming her. She'd always been able to control thoughts (the active ones at least), but even her brain seemed to have given up, broken by the years of torment put upon it.

She needed help. She needed it now.

But she knew it wasn't coming.

No one was coming to save her. She was going to have to save herself.

She just wasn't sure if she could.


End file.
